I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
