my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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