I heard we made out
Can i not drive my cunt home
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
