Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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