Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
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