The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
