who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
