You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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