You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
