Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
