I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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