apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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