to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
