My underwear smells like fireworks.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize