One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just gargled with NyQuil
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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