Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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