i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
