the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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