There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
