I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
