I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Randomize
