My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
