Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
