You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I am available for nakedness
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize