so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
