fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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