Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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