I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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