dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
