I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
