I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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