I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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