Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
In other news, I just burned my penis
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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