Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
50% drunk capacity currently
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
