I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
