Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
