I faked an abortion last night.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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