i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
