whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
It's Friday. Sex?
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
