I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
