Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
