the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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