Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
