Tell her she can't have a vagina
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize