i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
