I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
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