so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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