I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
They are going to name an STD after you.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
