I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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