Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
