what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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