I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
