if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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