No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
