I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
