I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
