My room smells like vodka and shame
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
