we have pet lesbian snakes
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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