we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize