Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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