take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
