Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
